


so I'm leaving out the side door

by slytherbyun



Series: i think i've seen this film before [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Break Up, Epistolary, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Introspection, Leaving Home, M/M, Music Producer Joshua, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other: See Story Notes, Smoking, breakdowns, law student jeonghan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26419987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slytherbyun/pseuds/slytherbyun
Summary: Finally, Joshua had enough.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Series: i think i've seen this film before [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1920352
Comments: 7
Kudos: 34





	so I'm leaving out the side door

**Author's Note:**

> TW: profanity, implied cheating, mentions of intense partying, alcoholism, and smoking. Please read at your own discretion.
> 
> Listen to: exile by Taylor Swift you want more feels.

_ Jeonghan, _

_ I was never good at writing letters, but I can’t face you anymore. I might end up going weak for you again, but that isn’t fair for both of us. Enough is enough, Jeonghan. Call me whatever you want; a coward, a son of a bitch, whatever. I’m not sorry for what I’m doing now. _

_ By the time you’re reading this, I’ll be gone. I’ll be on a plane bound for Los Angeles. I’ve left South Korea. _

_ I took the job in LA, and I’m leaving. _

_ I stayed here for you. I wanted to build the future we both created and planned. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with the man who had my heart since high school. Everything was about you, Jeonghan. My world revolved around you. But you...you changed. _

_ I don’t know, Jeonghan. Where did we go wrong? _

_ Back in high school, we were on cloud nine--we felt alive and free, and just happy. We truly loved each other. We made each other better in all aspects--you made me better when it came to actual school work, you always asked me for help when it came to extracurricular activities. We complimented each other. We fit like long lost souls who met for the first time since forgetting about each other. You were the one who told me that, remember? _

_ It was perfect. We were perfect. Everyone thought so too that they wanted to shove their desserts down our throats for being too sweet. _

_ College came, and we were okay. We studied in different universities, but lived in the same apartment. We saw each other every day, and became each other’s source of comfort during the most difficult times. We got through everything together, Jeonghan. Even the time I was almost dismissed from my course because my grades slipped. Even the time you were unsure if you still wanted to pursue your law degree. We got through it together, Jeonghan. _

_ What happened? Jeonghan, what went wrong? Why did things turn out this way? _

_ I still kept trying to replay in my head what happened. We were perfectly fine, but all of the sudden, you just...stopped caring. You stopped caring right around the time when I first got the offer for the job in LA. I told you that I thought about taking it, because it would be the best move for me career-wise. However, you were adamant that you didn’t want to move to LA because you were still finishing your law degree. At that time, I thought of you, so I declined the job. I declined it because I wanted to be with you. I didn’t feel guilty about it then, and I’m still not guilty about it now. Even if we wouldn’t be in this position, I’d choose the same thing--be with you. _

_ I was happy with my old job. I started doing better. I’ve been performing beyond expectations. But you...you became the shell of a man I once knew. Eventually, you filed a leave of absence from law school, and that’s when it all changed. _

_ All of a sudden, you just changed. Back then, whenever I get home, you were asleep already. When I wake up, you were already gone for work. I remember getting up extra early so that I could prepare breakfast for you, but when I did, you just looked at it and left. I keep asking you what’s wrong, but you wouldn’t tell me. You got annoyed and snapped at me for continuing to ask. After that, I stopped trying. _

_ Our friends also noticed it. When Seungcheol and Jihoon invited us out to dinner, you literally ignored me the whole time. Whenever we’re out as a group, you’d sit away from me. I tried still sitting beside you, but you’d move away. After that, I just stopped going out with our friends with you. I stopped trying. _

_ One day, you just flipped a switch and became the biggest asshole I ever met. _

_ You started partying so hard that you come home really late at night. Sometimes you’d even go home with lipstick marks on your neck. I never asked you, but I knew you were fooling around with other people. You’d reek of alcohol almost every night. I even found a stash of cigarettes in your bag one time. You should know how to hide it better. I remember leaving it in front of you, and you didn't even budge. Wow, Jeonghan. _

_ You started to get mad at me for the littlest things. I forgot to turn the light off, you'd scream at me. I don’t acknowledge you when you arrive, you get mad and slam the door. Eventually, you went back to ignoring me. I didn’t know what to do. _

_ I wanted to fix it, Jeonghan. I wanted to go back to how we were. The thing is, no matter how hard I try, you push me away. You wouldn’t talk to me. I was there, making an effort to save this relationship, but you just...floated around like no one could touch you. It sucked so much to see you spiral downward. I wanted to help you, to at least help you get back on your feet because that’s what partners do. They help each other. But every time I would attempt to do so, you push me away. _

_ Then, I had the biggest realization: I don’t deserve this. _

_ If you want to be an asshole and treat me like shit, that’s on you. I’m not going to stand around and be your emotional punching bag for whatever the fuck’s going on with you that you won’t tell me. I keep asking you, you won’t say anything. I took so much of your bad behavior because I love you and I thought it would just be temporary. But Jeonghan, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go home everyday knowing you won’t look at me. I can’t stay in a place where I know I’m not needed. _

_ So I’m leaving. _

_ This is the last time you’ll be hearing from me, Jeonghan. Don’t be surprised to see that I’ve blocked you from all my social media accounts. Don’t even try to contact me--Seungcheol isn't going to give you my new contact information, as will any of our other friends. _

_ Even so, know that I did love you with all my heart. It pains me to leave things like this, but if I want to have an ounce of respect left for you, I need to do this. _

_ Still, I wish you the best. _

_ Joshua _

  
  


“I lost him.”

Those were the only words Jeonghan said after reading Joshua’s final goodbye. He didn’t know how to feel--should he be happy? Sad? Angry?

Nothing came.

No wave of emotions came.

It was just the realization that Joshua finally had enough and left that was in the air.

And because Jeonghan couldn’t do anything, he just drank his sorrows away until the break of dawn.

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned for part 2.


End file.
